The Mind Is A Dark Place
by Chanelx
Summary: Will has returned from Skandia, but he isn't the same. A lot of stuff happened there that nobody knew of. He has his own dark little secrets as well, but he isn't planning to share them. Halt tries to help, but how do you help someone with so many secrets? WARNING: contains Self Harm.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So, I don't know if anyone will like it, but I'll publish it anyways. This takes place after book 3 and it does contain self harm, if you don't like it: don't read it. It's a bit graphic so it could be triggering for anyone who self harms.** **Also, this is the first chapter and I don't really like this one, the others will be better I hope.** **  
Let me know what you think about this. I hope you like it.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Halt watched Will's training, he saw him shooting arrow after arrow at different targets from different angles and distances. Never two in a row on the same goal, like Halt had said to him. Will was good, but not as goo as he used to be. Halt noticed that Will wasn't himself after Skandia, which of course was not strange, given his addiction to warm weed and the poor conditions in which he had to survive.

He had tried to talk to Will about his time as a slave, but he never wanted to talk. Halt suspected that more had happened than he knew of, but as long as Will didn't want to talk about it, he couldn't help him.

He thought about giving Will a day off so that he could do something fun with Alyss, and to invite Gilan and Crowley to talk to them about Will. He was at a loss with him, so perhaps that his friends knew something to let Will talk or maybe they could come up with something together.

"Yes, that would do him right,'' Halt muttered to himself, "a day out with his close friend."

He would consult with Pauline and send a message to Gilan and Crowley.

* * *

That Saturday Will was early and saddled Tug so he could leave to Redmont as he and Alyss had agreed. They would meet together for a coffee in the local tavern and socialize.

Alyss and he had become very close, especially since he was back. He thought for a while he in love with Evanlynn, or Cassandra actually, and sought support from Alyss to help him with his heartbreak.

She had helped him a lot and they had become even more than just good friends. She had kissed him after the Kalkara were slain, and still he could feel her soft, full lips on his. Was he in love with Alyss? He shook his head. That couldn't be, Alyss would never feel the same for him, he was not particularly handsome and not good enough for her.

Uncertainty fell over him. What if Alyss had kissed him only because he had helped in the fight against the Kalkara? Maybe she only liked boys who had done something heroic. He shook his head, Alyss wasn't like that, she was just not interested in him.

He sighed deeply, he and Alyss could be just friends, nothing had to change.

Relieved, he mounted Tug and he rode off to Redmont.

* * *

Halt saw the different emotions on Will's face. He hoped that he would have a good time today, maybe catching up with Alyss would him do well.

Halt walked into the small cabin he shared with Will and started to make coffee. Hopefully Crowley and Gilan would be here soon. He looked at his water clock, it was around 8 o'clock in the morning, which meant that at any moment they could be here.

He didn't have to wait long. He had just taken the coffee pot off the fire, when he heard Abelard softly neighing. He put the coffee on the wooden table and walked outside, just in time to see how Crowley unsaddles his horse.

"Crowley," Halt said. He saw his friend to hold his chest and looked around startled. "Halt! I didn't hear you coming." His lips went a bit up and semi-surprised he replied.

"You're losing your touch! Are you sure you're still suitable as commander? Maybe you should give your position to Gilan."

As if that was a cue, Gilan was there. Without looking Halt pointed backwards. "You can make it official immediately." He saw Crowley's irritated expression and chuckled softly. Gilan was with them, so they could drink some coffee together.

After they had discussed anything and everything, Crowley began about Will. When that subject came, they all turned seriously.

"So, Halt, what is it that you wanted to talk about Will? Is he all right? Can he manage the training? Aren't you too hard-?"

Before Crowley could ask that last question, Halt held up a hand to stop him.

"One question at a time please, you look like my apprentice," he took one last sip of his coffee and then sat straight up, a worried look visible on his face.

"Will isn't fine, he says he is, but I can tell he's not quite himself, his training has improved considerably since he is back, but it's still not what it should be. He is... changed since Skandia... not only more mature but also less alive, he barely talks and he eats too little, when he came back he wasn't able to keep down a hot meal. It was too much, I think."

Halt thought back to that time, he was so happy to have Will back that he didn't think about what he must have been trough in his time as a slave.

Of course he had heard some stories from Cassandra when they were reunited, but he suspected that that wasn't everything that had happened. Maybe it was all Cassandra knew, but not everything that had happened.

Now he recalled that time, he noticed things he didn't notice before. A look of recognition descended upon him and Gilan saw it immediately.

"What? What is it Halt?" He also looked worried now. Crowley had his eyebrows drawn together in utmost concentration, waiting for what Halt would tell them.

"When Will came back he barely spoke, he has a lot of white scars that I couldn't place before, now I understand what they are. He is, I think, be punished with the whip, but he kept distance from me, well, not only from me, basically every guy we met. " He looked meaningfully and sad at his guests.

"How awful that they have punished him like that! But I don't quite understand the connection between that and not wanting to come close to men," Gilan said.

"Why didn't Will wanted to come near men or near you? I know him, he loves you like you're his father, why would he remain away from you?" He looked quizzically from Crowley to Halt and saw that they were quite depressed about it.

"Gilan, he's..." began Halt, but he couldn't finish his sentence, he could _not_ say it. He cleared his throat and Gilan saw his eyes glisten with liquid. Tears, from sorrow and anger at what had happened to his apprentice.

Understanding descended upon him and shocked he asked his question, "Do you mean... that Will..." He also couldn't finish his question, it was too horrible for words what had happened to him. Crowley felt that his fellow Rangers were unable to get say it, so reluctantly he said what had happened according to them.

"Will has been raped."

They now knew what had happened. Not only was Will underfed and overworked, addicted to a drug, and his health, strength and condition deteriorated tremendously, he was also punished by being whipped or raped.

There was just something they didn't know or suspected. Will was addicted to the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I had a sudden burst of inspiration -like I always have the first few days after I think of something- and here's another chapter! I hope you like it. I actually started to write the first chapter when I noticed that there are no stories where any of them self harms, smokes or do drugs (other than warm weed), so if any of you know a story where they do those things: please share it with me, I always love stories where my favorite characters are kinda self-destructive. Send me the link in a PB, I beg you.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

Days went by and with every day Halt saw his apprentice slip further away in what appeared to be a depression, even riding Tug wouldn't snap him out f it. Something had to change, he just didn't know how he was supposed to help. Will didn't wanted to talk to him and he was really worried about how this would end. Of course he could ask Alyss to drop by, but she also had duties and missions to go on. He couldn't keep her from doing her job.

He'd have to solve it by himself. Will has to talk about his experiences, otherwise he won't get any better. He'd try to talk about him tonight at dinner and he wouldn't give him a chance to wal away from it. This was the way to help him and he needed to see that.

With a plan in mind he felt satisfied and he went to the kitchen to prepare a delicious stew.

* * *

Will poked a little in his food, he really didn't wanna eat, the only thing he was looking forward to was his Sax knife. A huge flood of sadness fell over him. In Skandia the only thing he looked forward to was warm weed. He sighed deeply and felt the eyes of Halt burning on his skull, he stiffened and looked up to him questioningly.

Halt felt his moment had come when Will looked at him, he pushed his food a little to the side and saw that Will gratefully did the same. He kept looking at Wil until he decided to say anything, he saw how uncomfortable Will looked at him and he slightly shifted in his chair. When Will couldn't handle Halt looking at him like that he finally said something, although it had a bit of an annoyed undertone.

"Is something wrong, Halt?''

"I'd better ask you that question,'' Halt saw a mixed expression of discomfort and confusion on the face of Will and continued.

"You barely talk, you're less excited, your appetite is gone and you don't even ask your annoying questions anymore. You've changed since Skandia, Will, and I really don't like this version of you that much"

As soon as he'd said it, Halt knew he had completely messed up. Will, of course, thought of it very differently than he'd intended and he began to get angry.

"Yes, of course I've changed! I spent a year in Skandia, living as a slave! I was barely eating and was always cold. I was punished when a job wasn't done properly or quickly enough, the main slave hated me, and I was in pain, Halt, not only physically but also mentally. Not that you will ever understand that. "

This was more information than he ever received from Will since his return. Immediately he took his chance to find out more.

"How were you punished? How much did you get to eat?" Will had a pained expression.

"Why do you want to know? Why would you ever want to know that? Why do you want me to relive the most horrible time of my life, Halt?" Halt softened his features and replied with a gentle, fatherly voice, "I'm worried about you Will..."

"Don't be, I'm _fine_."

He noted that he would let nothing about, but tried it anyway.

"Will, you're not fine! A lot has happened to you and you need to talk about it. I see you're not ready for it, but it cannot go on like this. I want you to tell me about your time there, please, when you're ready."

Will softened his expression and also calmed down a bit, Halt didn't mean to hurt him but just wanted to help.  
But no one could help him, they would declare him insane if he told Halt how he felt.

On the other hand, Halt hasn't reacted angry nor disappointed when Cassandra told him of his addiction. He thought about it for a moment to tell him everything, but then looked down, he didn't want to talk about it.

Halt saw Will looking away and knew that today he wouldn't talk. Inside, he felt despair and sadness, but he kept his poker face as always. He didn't want Will to feel embarrassed or thinking that he was forced to talk, so reluctantly he told Will was allowed to care for Abelard and Tug.

Relieved, Will stood up and walked to the horses quickly while Halt began clearing their table. He had made it clear that Will could talk to him in any case. With that thought, he went to bed and heard Will enter his bedroom as well not too long after.

* * *

Will sat on his bed, he turned the knife in his hands and so light would be reflected on it. He waited a moment and then pulled his shirt off. He wanted to stop, really, but he just couldn't. He loved the feeling and honestly, he didn't want to stop.

He put his knife to his wrist and slowly he began. He cut wherever possible. After the first cut he waited for a moment. His blood dripped from his wrist onto the ground and he smiled. He loved the feeling. He cut again, and again, and again. Slow, fast, straight or crossed. Wherever he wanted to and however he wanted to. He looked at the result and saw that his arm was red and beautiful, warm blood running from his wounds. The open wounds smiled at him and he smiled back. All the tension from today just flooded away with the blood.

He smiled and exhaled relieved. This was exactly what he'd needed.

Some of the larger wounds required stitches, so he took his first aid kit and stitched his wounds. His arm was numb, so he didn't even feel it. Just a slight pulling.

He cleaned his knife away began cleaning the floor. He didn't want Halt to find out. He pulled his shirt back on and went to bed.

He _had_ needed this.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Well, Halt finds out if his suspicions were right. I saw another story where Will had a nightmare and Halt helped him and told him about his nightmare, I really thought that was amazing so I used it as well. I don't know how the story was called, but I'm sorry if you hate it that I did a similar thing.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

He was awakened by screams. Surprised he kept listening if he had heard it correctly, but yes, he heard it again.

"Halt! Help me! Stop!"

Halt jumped out of bed and ran to the room of Will, startled he looked around in his room, but found that he was still asleep. Relieved Halt sat next to him on Will's bed and gently woke him up.

* * *

Drenched in sweat Will awoke, for a moment he didn't know where he was, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. Halt. He jumped up to hug him and for a moment Halt didn't know what to do, but after a second he hugged Will as well.

Will let his tears flow freely and found support in Halt's hug. After some time he let loose Halt and saw that worriedly looked at him.

"Will, are you okay now?" He nodded and looked at his hands, he didn't want Halt to see him like this, and Halt knew it.

"You know, I had nightmares as well. When I had just become a Ranger." Will looked up in disbelief. "You had nightmares?" Halt nodded.

"What were they going about?" Halt glanced at him.

"If I tell you, will you tell me what your nightmare was about?" Will thought about it, but decided it was a fair deal. He knew almost nothing of Halt and his curiosity was raised.

"Okay then," Halt gave him a small smile and stood up. "Come on, let's go drink some coffee and then I'll tell you everything."

* * *

They enjoyed their coffee and after they drank their first cup, Halt started to talk.

"I was young and had just gotten my first assignment as an accomplished Ranger." Halt glanced and saw that Will looked at him curious and excited, so he continued.

"I had to go after a man named Jonas Feral, he had committed several robberies and killed anyone who was on his trail, or got in the way." He grabbed his and Will's cup and poured more coffee in it.

"It was not long before I found his tracks, so I went after him and I confronted him. He was indeed Jonas Feral. I told him he was under arrest, but he ran in a dense forest in which I couldn't shoot or ride, so I was forced to go after him on foot. Eventually we got to an open area not far from a village, there was a mother with her eight-year-old son and five-year-old daughter."

Halt had to stop, he didn't like to talk about these things, he hid it by pretending he just wanted some coffee and took a few large gulps before he could tell again.

"Feral had caught the girl before I arrived at the field, he would let her go if I would let him go. Of course I could so shoot him, but inexperienced as I was, I thought I could talk him out of it. I told him that I could not let him go.

"He was known for his temper and cut the throat of the girl, I was in shock and didn't do anything, he ran away so I shot him in the leg, angry as I was I wanted to handle this personally. I murdered him with an arrow just next to his heart, so that he would die slowly and painfully. The next day I felt enormous regret, of course. I was deeply ashamed, since then I had a lot of nightmares about how the little girl looked at me with her throat cut and whispered softly, never I could hear everything she said, just bits. I was awoken every night for a year..." Halt ended his story there on purpose, to give Will time to ask questions. Will, eager to know how he got rid of the nightmares, asked his question immediately. Halt hid his smile behind his coffee mug, he had expected this.

"What did you do to get rid of your nightmares?" Will asked.

"I've talked about it with Crowley. About what had happened, he was all ears and was able to tell me exactly what I needed to hear."

He nodded at Halt's answer, he could see how that had worked for him. He saw Halt looking at him with bright expectant eyes and remembered that he had promised to talk about his nightmares. Would it really help to talk about it? He didn't know… Should he tell the truth, or just bits of the truth?

"My nightmares are about Skandia when I had to work like a slave. It usually isn't about just one thing, but several things, like the paddles, it is a wheel which the slaves have to spin so the water wouldn't freeze. Usually it's a job for the slaves who are being punished. It's designed in a manner in which you cannot stay dry, so you're soaked at the end and it's always freezing in Skandia, so you almost freeze to death. You can go inside and lay under your blanket, but the blanket is so small it doesn't give you much warmth.

That was my job in Skandia.

There were of course other tasks, but I had to mainly turn the paddles. That's how I got addicted to the warm weed." he looked up and saw that Halt looked at him encouragingly. This gave him enough courage to continue.

"I was also punished in other ways, they hated me. I helped another slave in my first week there. I don't regret helping him, but not helping me would've saved me a lot of misery. I hate myself for thinking like that. I survived. If I hadn't helped him he probably wouldn't, so why am I thinking like that, Halt?" Halt looked at him with proud.

"You helped him, Will. That's something to be proud of. I do understand why you feel that way. Your time in Skandia has been extremely traumatizing and if you just thought about yourself, you would've had an easier time there. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But I'm very proud of you, Will. You helped someone who needed help.'' Will felt a bit relieved. Halt was right, he had helped someone who needed it. That's a good thing, even though he almost died because of it, but he didn't. It turned out well for him. He was saved.

"It wasn't the only thing I was punished with… Also with a whip, it was a short stick with four long leather straps on it. It hurt like hell, it tore my skin apart and there was nothing to bandage the wounds with. That's how I got most of my scars on my back. But most of the nightmare's aren't about the paddles or the whip, they go about... "

He didn't want to tell Halt. He didn't want Halt to know what they had done to him. That he didn't t fight back because he was too tired and ultimately by his addiction. He was weak, as Halt knew how weak he really was...

"Where do they go about Will?" Halt had been acting gentle and fatherly. "I will not judge, I know you've had a tremendously difficult time and that a lot has happened, it was my fault that you've been through this, I shouldn't have send you that mission with Gilan and Horace and I'm really sorry, Will. I'm sorry that you've been through things that no one would have to go through, things that most people wouldn't survive for such a long period. You're really strong Will, not many people could do that."

He looked up with tears in his eyes. It was not Halt's fault. It was his own stupid fault he was captured. Halt said he wouldn't judge, so he would talk freely.

"T-they've touched me, Halt." He let his tears run, he couldn't stop them anyway.

Halt's suspicion was confirmed, they touched him. He was raped and it was his fault.

He couldn't change anything about it, he knew, but he felt a huge wave of anger against the guys who did this to his apprentice, his son.

"I'm so sorry you've been through that Will. Nobody should go through that. I'm proud you talked to me about it, it'll be okay, Will." He embraced him firmly until he calmed down.

* * *

That night he lay in bed. Halt knew. On one hand, he felt relieved, and on the other hand, he felt ashamed. He could still remember it like it was yesterday. He squeezed his eyes shut in the hope his thoughts would disappear.

He grabbed longingly at his Sax knife. He carefully chose a spot where there were no wounds, yet.

He stuck the point of his knife in his skin and pushed. Blood rose from his small wound and he took his knife out of it. Then he cut. His skin slit open and he cut some more, and more, and more. Nice, straight lined appeared on his skin, the blood dripping from his arm. The color of blood has always fascinated him. A beautiful, pure red color.

"As red as blood." He said softly, with much admiration.

Blood red, as red as blood. That phrase has always annoyed him. People call each color red "as red as blood" and he found that very annoying. But this, this was blood red. He smiled.

He continued to look at how his blood eventually solidified and began cleaning his wounds. The blood was scraped off with water, then he cleaned his wounds with a disinfectant he had in his bedside cupboard, and eventually he gazed his wound.

"This should hold for a while." He whispered to himself. He laid down in his bed and satisfied he went to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: So, I know it took a while, but here's the next chapter! I didn't really know how I wanted to continue it, but _Coffee Monsta_ DEMANDED (no, not true. Okay, maybe a little bit ;p) another update as there are only three chapters yet, so I wrote this one fairly quick. I kind of love this chapter, there's no angst in it, but a lot of fluff yay! I've never really been into those love stories, but I've decided that Will deserved a lot of love, especially when he feels like he's all alone and is in love with the pain. He just needs some good stuff to help him get through the bad stuff. **

**Or is that complete bullshit and did I just wanted some fluff?  
Hmm, hard to decide. Guess you'll have to wait to find out if it helps him or not!  
I made this an extra long chapter, so enjoy it!  
PS: I might take a while to update again, as I'm trying to focus on Will Assassin. I guess it's coming to it's end! Maybe a few more chapters? But yeah, after that I'm done! So, that means that after that I can fully focus on this story! (Or maybe I'll write something else also hihi)**

 **Well, enough said. Have fun reading and reviewwww.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

Will woke up and immediately smelled fresh coffee. He yawned and slowly got out of bed. He got dressed and looked at his fresh wounds. He doesn't know what it was with them, it just made him feel so much better. It was his way of coping what had happened. He used to talk, but now he knew how overrated talking really was. Who needed to sit down and talk for hours when you could release the misery you feel in mere minutes? But well, talking to Halt the night before had felt good as well. But the cutting made him feel even better.

His heart started to beat faster than it had before, so he had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down. His wounds shouldn't be a problem and he could leave it like this for now. He should probably change the bandages tonight, though.  
He absently walked over to the kitchen where Halt was seated. He grabbed the cup of coffee Halt had made for him and sipped it. This was just the way to start the morning.

"Good morning, Halt." Halt also took a sip of his warm coffee and mumbled something in response.

"What's so good about it?" Will smiled at the good hearted reply, he knew Halt hadn't gotten much sleep this night, as he'd probably lied awake a long time being worried about Will.

Halt saw that Will's smile didn't quite reached his eyes, and it made him frown a bit. He thought they'd made some progress yesterday. Will talked about his nightmares and he'd hoped that he would soon talk about Skandia, how he felt and feels about it. Even though it was a lot to hope for, he still wanted to believe Will could be his Will again. He was worried about him and even though he wanted to prevent him from reliving his experiences, he knew that talking helped a lot. It helped Will stop feeling so alone and desperate, and it helped Halt to know what exactly was wrong and how he could best help Will.

But since that time wasn't there yet, he just had to deal with these half-hearted smiles and an empty Will.

"Drink your coffee and make some quick breakfast. We're leaving in half an hour to see Baron Arald." This got Will's attention.

"Baron Arald? Why? What's wrong with him? Does he need our help with something?" Halt sighed, even though he felt so much better with Will asking so many questions again. But he wasn't about to let him know that.

"Why do you always ask so much? If you would just drink your coffee, eat your breakfast and wait until we get there, you'll know why we're needed." Will nodded and ate his breakfast quickly.

* * *

Halt knocked on the Baron's door and entered it, Will walking slightly behind him. They greeted Arald and he looked happy to see them.

"Ahh Halt! Will! Great that you could come today. Please, have a seat." He pointed at the seats opposite of him and Halt and Will obeyed. He looked at Will and grew a bit concerned.

"Will, are you alright? You seem so skinny! And like you haven't slept properly for days! You're not sick, I hope?" Will felt uncomfortable being judged by the man who gave him a home for 15 years.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I've had some trouble sleeping lately but I slept great last night. And I'm not sick, just wasn't feeling that hungry." He tried to give him an assuring smile, but Halt was looking at him as well and he felt the blood rushing to his ears, now Halt knew that he was lying. Great.

"Hmm… You got to try to get some rest, Will. Also eat a proper meal. Halt, maybe you should give him a day off?" Halt knew the Baron was concerned, but so was he.

"He needs to train right now, Arald. He rested enough in Skandia." Arald smiled a bit. That was probably why he looked so skinny, his muscles had to be trained again.

Will was hurt, is that what Halt really thought? That he'd just sat there in Skandia and rested? Just lying there on his beautiful, comfortable bed enjoying the cold weather? He was so pissed.

"Okay, Will?" Arald asked him, Will was so lost in his thought that he hadn't heard what Arald said.

"Uh, yes. Sure." He gave him a reassuring smile but he felt the glare Halt gave him burning.

Halt stood up and Will followed him.

"Go to Alyss' room. She's waiting there for you. I need to go to Pauline. I'll see you at home when you're done." So Will walked to Alyss' room, wondering what he had to do.

* * *

Alyss was sitting at her desk, files spread all over. Will knocked softly and Alyss turned to him.

"Will!" She smiled and walked over to him to give him a tight hug. "I'm so glad to see you. I could really use some help with this." Will sat down next to her at her desk, silently waiting for her orders.

"So, I have to write a rapport about your most recent mission, which… well. It had been a while. So why don't you tell me about how the Treaty between Araluen and Skandia came to existence?" Will was speechless for a moment, he had to talk about Skandia. It was just about the Treaty, but he felt sweat forming on his forehead.

"Okay, why do you have to write about that?" He asked it purely to buy some time and get himself mentally prepared.

"It's a thing I need to do. As a Courier I need to work closely with Ranger's, and since I'm an apprentice and you are as well, I thought it was a win-win situation. And this means I got to spend some time with you." She smiled sweetly at him and all of his nerve's disappeared. Alyss had that effect on him. She was always calm and it reflected on him.

"But before we begin. How are you feeling?" She turned her chair so she was sitting directly in front of him. Her leg was touching his, but that contact made him lose some concentration. She was gorgeous, and sweet. And everything a guy would want. But she wasn't his, and she never would be. He wasn't good enough for her.

"Oh. I'm fine. I've had some trouble sleeping lately but Halt and I talked about it last night and I feel much better now." Alyss smiled, glad to hear he was talking to Halt about it.

"You know you could always talk to me, right?" She gently touched his knee and looked him in the eyes. He smiled and told her that he knew that.

"I'm glad to hear it. Do you want to start now, or…?"

"Yes, best to get it over with." This comment made Alyss frown just a bit. The Treaty had been a good thing, revolutionary even. Will should be really proud that he had been a part of it.

"Okay, so let's begin at the beginning." She grabbed a pencil and some paper and sat ready to write everything he said down.

"And what's the beginning?" Will wanted to know.

"Will! You were there. I'd suppose you'd know what the beginning was? Let's start at the moment you got to know Oberjarl Erak."

"Well, that isn't hard. I knew who he was the moment he took us, but he was just Jarl Erak back then. But I really got to know him on his ship, and later on Skorghijl."

That day mostly consisted of them talking about the Treaty and Erak, but also something about his time as a slave. He never told her much about it, just that it was hard working and that Erak helped Evanlynn –Cassandra- save him. Then a large part about the war and how Erak became the new Oberjarl. Alyss wrote everything he said down and asked him a lot of questions, mostly asking him to expand his answer a bit, to make everything more detailed.  
When they were finished, it was already starting to get late. Alyss invited him to dine with her and he agreed happily.

They were talking freely about everything and dinner tasted great. He almost felt normal again. He momentarily forgot about his feelings for Alyss when they were working, but right now, while he was dining with her, he felt it. And he felt it hard. He knew he was falling for her, but he wasn't sure if he should act on his feelings or not. He wanted to kiss her so badly.

After dinner he walked her back to her room, and she invited him in. So they could talk some more. He agreed happily, it had really been fun just being with Alyss, and this only made him realize how much he actually had missed her. When he was with her, he didn't felt the urge to cut. The urge to inflict pain on himself on purpose.

They sat on her large sofa and laughed like idiots. But when the topic became more serious, the urge to cut came back. Alyss noticed his change of behavior and she wanted him to be happy. She had some feelings for Will and it looked like he felt the same for her. She decided to cheer him up a bit and decided to just rip the band-aid off.

"Will, I think I have to confess something." She looked down at her lap, just fumbling a bit with her skirt. "I think I may have some… feeling for you. And I've talked about it with Pauline and she says it's best to just confess it right away and to hear how you feel. She says it's better to know what the other feels for you than to hope he might feel the same thing. So my question kind of is, do you have those feelings as well?"

Will was speechless. Alyss had feelings for him? He didn't know what to say or do. He wanted to hug her and scream that he did, but he was just paralyzed. He couldn't say anything, no matter how much he wanted to. Alyss looked hopefully at him, but with every second passing she got a look of acceptance in her eyes. After half a minute or so she just nodded and told him to forget she ever said a thing. She started to stand up and walk over to somewhere, away from him, but Will grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to the sofa. He gently caressed her cheek with one hand while the other still held her hand. He gently pushed her toward him and when their lips were just inches apart, he told her.

"Alyss, I don't have feelings for you. Not just feelings." He looked her deep in the eye and saw some confusion in them, but she had patience and she knew he wasn't finished yet, so she waited.

"I think I might actually be in love with you."

She smiled and closed the small gap between them. Her lips softly touching his. They still held one hand awkwardly, so she guided that hand to her waist, while she laid hers on his shoulder.

The kiss became more passionate and Will's tongue gently licked her lips, asking for entrance, which she gratefully gave. After a few minutes they had to stop and catch their breath. And as they looked each other in the eye, they couldn't help but smile. They both felt so relieved that their feelings were mutual. And even though they didn't say anything, they both knew how much they enjoyed the kiss.

Alyss rested her head on his shoulder and he drew soothing circles on her back. It gave her a feeling of wanting more, so she kissed him again. This time it became even more passionate, and both were completely engrossed in it. Alyss shifted her hand so it lay on his knee, but she slowly moved it upwards. It was bold, she knew that. But Will didn't seem to care about it. He pushed her slightly away when she reached his inner thigh and she saw Will didn't feel comfortable with it and decided to stop.

She gave him one last, small and soft kiss, before she hugged him.

"I think I'm in love with you too."

* * *

Completely in heaven he rode back to the cabin he shared with Halt. He was in such a good mood. Alyss might be in love with him, and he sure as hell was in love with her. He hadn't felt this great in ages, but sadly, that feeling disappeared as soon as he saw Halt. He remembered the comment he made to Arald, about him having rested enough in Skandia, and once again, a depressed feeling entered him. He gripped the handle of his saxe knife tightly and didn't even say anything to Halt. Not when Halt asked him how it went or why he was home so late.

He went straight to his bedroom, where he wanted to relieve that feeling by just cutting a bit. Just a bit.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: it's currently 3 am here, and I have school tomorrow. I'm going to look like shit tomorrow hahaha. BUT at least I have written this chapter! And I'm so excited for friday! CARNAVAL YEAH! I've been looking forward to this FOREVER.**

 **Review, please! Thanksss**

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

Halt was a bit surprised that Will just walked right past him to his room. He never did that, he would at least drink a cup of coffee and say hello. But well, Will was acting differently since he came back so it wasn't really a surprise. He was concerned about his behavior but hopefully giving him some space would help him. He himself never really was a talker so he couldn't blame Will. He just wished he wanted to talk and he wished that he knew what was going on in his head. He still felt really guilty about what happened and if he could switch places with Will he would in an instance. Will was like a son to him, and he would do anything to keep him safe. He had to raise Will and protect him, and he failed to do the latter.

Gilan would visit them tomorrow, he'd asked him to give Will some lessons in being unseen. He looked forward to seeing his former apprentice again.

* * *

Will had waited impatiently for a few minutes to see if Halt would enter his room or not, but it seemed like he wouldn't. Not that it was to be expected, it seemed like he didn't care at all what happened. Halt said he wanted to talk and that he was there for him and the other moment he says that Will just rested in his time as a slave.

He hadn't rested. At all. He was underweight, severely beaten by anything and he'd probably broken some bones, he had gotten addicted to warmweed and he'd been raped multiple times.

He shivered when he thought about it and tears threatened to fall down. He felt emasculated for not fighting back enough. The first time he got raped was not long after he first arrived. He was still strong and trained and could easily have them. That's what he thought he could.

He took his saxe knife and made a cut. That's his punishment for letting himself get raped. Another cut for the time after that, another for the on after that, and so on. He just kept going and soon there was no more room on his arm. Bleeding wounds were crisscrossing everywhere. But he still didn't feel satisfied. He had only punished himself for being raped.

He placed the sharp point his other arm, and pushed it in. He slowly cut his way from his wrist to his elbow cavity. He exhaled and felt euphoric. This pain was just the right one. He made 2 similar cuts and then stopped to look at what he'd done. It was bleeding pretty badly, but he felt fine so why not make some more?

This one's for Halt. He thought when he made some more cuts. Angrier with every cut he made. In the end he didn't feel anything anymore, so he stopped. He kind of panicked when he saw the amount of blood. He hadn't seen the real damage he'd done when he angrily cutting away.

His whole arm was covered in blood and it was dripping freely on his bed and floor. He rushed over to his first aid kit, but noticed it was gone. Why was it gone?!

And he remembered. He had laid it in the kitchen to refill it later. He could now do one of two thing.

One, go out to the kitchen and hoping Halt wasn't there to see him bleed.  
Two, hope for the best and do nothing.

He knew both options were non-optional. So he had a small problem. He felt himself getting dizzy and decided he needed the first aid kit. He put on another shirt and slowly opened his bedroom door. He saw Halt sitting at the kitchen table, writing some rapports and he cursed. Halt looked up at the noise of a door opening, and he saw Will staring at him through a small gap.

"Will? What are you doing?" Halt asked, thinking it was strange.

"Nothing. I'm just… going to the kitchen." Will opened the door and weirdly walked to the kitchen. It was strange to just grab his first aid kit so he refilled it while he felt Halt's burning eyes on him.

"So, how did it go with Alyss?" Halt asked, wanting to get rid of the weird tension he knew they both are feeling.

"What do you mean? Nothing happened. We just worked." Will said it just a bit too fast which made Halt smile. Something happened.

"Nothing, hmm? So do you like her?" Will froze, now he was acting all nice again. He knew something was up. Paranoid he turned to Halt.

"No. Why are you being so nice suddenly? No, don't answer that. I'm going back to my room." He took his first aid kit and went to his room, he lost his balance when he stepped on some blood and he was glad to be back. The dizziness overwhelmed him and he rushed to get his wounds stitched and bandaged. The blood loss wasn't fatal, but it certainly wasn't healthy. Now he had to clean his floor and bed.

* * *

Will rushed back to his room and left Halt sitting at the kitchen table. What had just happened? He kind of wanted to let Will be, and go after him to talk about what'd happened. Maybe he should give him a few minutes and then go to talk about it.

So a few minutes later he knocked on Will's door and he heard something falling on the floor.

"Will? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah." He wasn't convinced, so he opened the door. The first aid kit lay on top of his bed and some rags were on the floor, Will also had a rag behind his back.

"I don't know what has gotten into you lately, but this can't go on, Will. I've given you time to sort everything out but it clearly isn't working. So please, talk to me." Halt waited patiently for a response. Will was not answering.

"Will. Ignoring me won't make the problem disappear. Let's at least drink some coffee." He took Will by the shoulder and guided him to the kitchen. Will was still holding on to the rag so he took it from him. It was moist so he put it in a bin. He looked down at his hands and noticed they were red. What the-…? Was that blood? How did it get there?

"Will, what were you doing with that rag? It looks like it's covered in blood." Will looked at Halt with an expression of shock.

"Oh, I uh, I got a bloody nose." He lied.

"Really? Because there's a lot of blood."

"Yes, Halt. Really. Now please stop talking about it and let's drink some coffee. Okay?" Halt raised an eyebrow, but got the coffee and poured two cups.

He gave one to Will and kept the other one for himself.

"I know you have some problems talking about how you feel lately, but you can tell me everything. So why don't you start by telling me how you feel about Alyss? And what happened today?" He smiled at Will, genuinely interested to hear what Will had to say.

Will looked at him for a moment, trying to decide what to do. Tell him. Don't tell him. Halt looked genuine. What harm could it do?

"Halt… I think I'm love with her. And it scares me to death. I have no idea what to do now." And Halt smiled. How he knew the feeling all too well.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Cut. Cut. And cut some more.

It seemed like this was the only thing his life consisted of. He really wanted to find a healthier way to deal with his feelings, but this just felt so right. As if the blood that was flowing out of his body was taking all of his problems with it, away and gone into nothingness.

He liked cutting, he was addicted to it. He liked the way his wounds were looking and he loved the way the crimson red blood would drip from his arm. He loved the way it made him forget. He just loved cutting himself.

But recently is had gotten worse. Halt nearly caught him and his wounds were too deep and he lost too much blood. Not enough to kill him, not at all. But it made him feel dizzy and he knew that if he kept going the way he did, it wouldn't be long before he actually lost consciousness. And if that happened he knew for sure that Halt would figure it out.

It also didn't help him with his trainings, the wounds pulled when he shot an arrow or threw a knife. Sometimes it started to bleed again and he felt the sticky, warm liquid run down his arm and when it dried it was sticking on his clothes.

He knew he couldn't go on like this, but the pros were just more than the cons.

He got out of bed and got dressed before walking to the kitchen. Of course Halt was already seated at the table with a cup of coffee in his hand, looking over some sort of official letter.

"Good morning." Halt looked up at him and mutter something under his breath. He could be so grumpy sometimes.

"Would you like some coffee as well?" Halt thought for a moment before quickly drinking the remains of his now cold coffee. He held the cup to Will who took it from him and he placed it on the counter, next to his cup. He poured them both a fresh and warm cup of coffee.

He took them from the counter and when he wanted to hand a cup to Halt, he dropped it. Cursing he placed his own cup on the table before grabbing the first cloth he could find. Halt also stood up to help him clean.

"Sometimes I wonder how you can be so uncoordinated with simple tasks like these, and still be able to shoot an arrow fairly straight." Will looked at him, not answering. He took the cup –which was luckily still in one piece- and laid in on the table before cleaning the floor.

Halt saw something and frowned. "What's that on your wrist?"

Will looked up, blood draining from his face. "What is what? On my wrist?" He pulled his sleeve further down so it covered his wrist fully.

"Will, is that a wound? How'd it get there? Let me take a look at it." He stood up and took Will by his arm, which made him flinch. Of course that also didn't go unnoticed by Halt. He wanted to pull his sleeve up, but Will quickly pulled away from him.

"Halt, it's nothing! I didn't even know it was there." Halt looked unfazed my him. "Honestly, I'm fine! I don't need you to bandage or stitch up every little cut I get. If it were serious I think I would've noticed it."

"Yes, but still. I think it's best if I take a look at it and at least clean the wound. No matter of its size."

"I said no! It's no big deal. Why can't you ever let something go?" Angrily he walked away, not sure where to go but he just walked. Away from Halt and his stupid questions.

Meanwhile, Halt still stood in the kitchen, wondering why the hell Will made such a big deal about him cleaning a small cut. He hoped Gilan would get here fast, because he was lost.

* * *

He was sitting at a lake, throwing some rocks into it. He knew he had to get back soon, Gilan was coming here to teach him a few things. He just wanted some peace for now. Just for one freaking moment. Was that too much to ask?

* * *

"Hey Gilan, good to see you again." Halt smiled at Gilan who just entered his home. He smiled and threw his bag of his shoulder to the floor. He hugged Halt shortly before they would drink some coffee and discuss some things.

Gilan looked around him, "Where's Will? He's not still asleep, is he?" he watched Halt accusingly.

"No, he's-" Gilan cut him off before he could finish his sentence.

"Halt! You're coddling him too much! I know he's been through a lot, but he just needs to get back in the saddle." He smiled triumphantly at his advice and his choice of words. Plus, Halt _never_ let him sleep this long when he was his apprentice.

"Gilan, for God's sake! Even now you won't let people finish their sentences. I thought I taught you better than this." He looked at him disapprovingly, silently telling him to stop talking.

"He's not still asleep, he ran away. He got mad at me and he just walked out of that door." He looked at the door, hoping Will would barge in any moment now.

"What? What did you do?"

Halt looked hurt. "What did _I_ do? He had a cut on his wrist and I wanted to clean it so it wouldn't get infected. He just got mad at me and left!" He sighed desperately, "He's changed, Gilan. Things were getting better, or so I thought. But he just gets mad over the weirdest things."

"It'll get better, Halt. He just needs some time to process all of this."

And that was just the thing. Time didn't help him.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait and for letting you wait this long for such a small chapter. I'm having a terrible writer's block, with both of my stories... So, if anyone has an idea of what you'd like to see in the next chapter, please let me know! It would be very much appreciated.**

 **Also I'd like to thank all of you who have reviewed and are still reading this story!**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

Gasping for breath, Wills stood there by the lake. He panicked, because suddenly it became hard to breath. He sat on the ground and tried to calm his racing heart, but with every breath he took, it became harder and harder. His hands were shaking and his sweat was dripping from his body. His breaths became deeper and more desperate, but nothing helped. He felt dizzy and lay down on the floor, hoping it all would pass soon.

What was going on with him? He knew, but didn't want to believe. He just wanted to know what was wrong, besides everything.

After a few long and agonizing minutes he concluded that the obvious was happening to him, he had a panic attack.

It all became too much to handle; Skandia, his drug addiction, the cutting and keeping it hidden from Halt, the stress he had to get his training right and becoming the person he used to be.

It was just _too much_. He instantly knew he needed to tell Halt, but he really did not know how.

How would you tell the man who you've become to see as a father, that you're messed up and struggling? It was hard. He felt as if the world was leaning on his shoulders. As if there was no happiness in the world. As if there was nothing to live for.

But he knew that wasn't true. He had Halt, Alyss, Horace and Tug. Obviously, there was enough to live for. The real question was, did he still want to live?

The answer was _no_ , he didn't want to live. He knew that thought was extremely selfish and dark. But that was how he felt.

The panic rose again and he quickly stood up, walking back to the small cabin he called home, hoping it would erase this desperate feeling he had.

* * *

Slowly walking inside, Will was greeted with the not-so-happy looking Halt and the disapproving glare of Gilan.

"Where have you been?" Halt asked him, not that nicely.

"By the lake…"

"Will, why'd you run away? You know Halt was only trying to help, right?" Gilan's disapproving glare was replaced by a concerned one.

"Yeah, I know that. I just wanted to be left alone for a few minutes." Will was suddenly very occupied with a loose thread.

"This is unacceptable behavior, Will. I know you've had a unpleasant time in Skandia, but please, don't ever pull a stunt like that again. If you need time, just say it. Don't just run out without telling us where you're going! I was worried." Halt told him and giving him a hug.

And that was it. That was too much for Will. He let his tears flow freely and he sobbed in Halt's chest.

Halt and Gilan noticed it and exchanged a worried glare.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I felt really about about posting that small chapter, so here is another, slightly bigger one! I suddenly had this idea, with a bit of help from Rangerbear, who told me it was about time to start the healing process. Also thanks to Coffee Monsta, who basically told me she'd kill me if I wouldn't write a larger one...**

 **This had been a fast update, don't expect me to post a new chapter so soon again! I don't know when I'll have time again, since I am very busy with school, my horses, personal problems and my boyfriend (Yes, I do have one. For those who thought I was a crazy cat lady) also has a hard time lately, his father just passed away and it's a very difficult time for him and his family, and also a bit for me. Since he also was like a second father to me.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter and I will try to update ASAP.**

 **I also want to make it clear that I have added some things that had happened to Will in Skandia, which is not all true. So don't bang on my door telling me how it didn't happen in the books, lol.**

 **Thank you for reviewing and reading this story!**

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

"You should talk to him," Gilan said to Halt.

"Why don't you go talk to him?" Halt countered, which made Gilan look at him in utter disbelief.

"You should, you're his mentor, superior and father figure."

"Yes, but you're his friend and you were an apprentice of me once," Halt said to him, "and you're more of his age. Perhaps he'd like that."

"Halt, I know you are worried and afraid of knowing what's wrong with him, but you really are the one who should do it." Gilan reassured Halt, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Besides, he'd open up sooner to you than he would to me."

Halt sighed, admitting defeat. It's not that he doesn't want to talk to Will, it's just that he's worried what Will will tell him.

So Halt walked to Will's room, knocking on his door until Will told him to come inside.

He slowly opened the door and peaked inside, he saw Will laying on his bed, hand folded on his stomach.

"Hey Will," Halt began, walking inside.

"Hello," Will greeted as well.

"So, I know this may be uncomfortable to talk about, but I think we really need to discuss what happened today." He tried talking in a warm voice, but the strict undertone stayed present, which perhaps was a good thing, since Will sat up and faced Halt.

"What is there to talk about?"

Halt sat down besides Will, looking at him with a worried glance.

"Show me the cut, Will." He demanded.

Immediately Will started to act defensive.

"Why? It is _just_ a cut. Why won't you leave it alone?"

"If it's just a cut, then why won't you show me?" Halt looked at the boy besides him and saw the guilty look on his face, also noticing Will was nervously scratching his arms.

"Let me take a look," Halt said, waiting for Will to pull up his sleeve. When that didn't happen he lost patience. He had a vague idea, but it wasn't usual. He hadn't known anyone who had done anything like it before.

He grabbed Will's arm and pulled up the sleeve, barely noticing Will struggling to get his arm free from his strong grip.

He had expected this, but he'd also _not_ expected this. It just seemed so surreal, so out of character for this once carefree boy to do such a thing.

He looked at Will with an enormously pained look in his eyes, hoping for an explanation. Again, Will didn't comply, so he asked him.

"Why, Will? Why would you do this to yourself?" His eyes became watery at the sight of the red cuts on the boy's arms and the tears that now flowed freely from Will's face. He let go of Will's arm and blinked a few times, making sure the tears would not fall.

Will pulled his sleeve down and hugged himself tightly, not wanting to talk about it.

"Will, _please_ talk to me!" Desperation started to consume Halt, and he pulled Will into his arms, holding onto him tightly.

"Will, please. Just please talk to me." He whispered, to no avail.

* * *

Gilan looked at Halt, torn with emotions. Will couldn't… he wouldn't… right?

"He's asleep right now, he hasn't said a word about it. Gilan, how can we possibly help him? He's just an apprentice and he has gone through more than most of the Ranger's. I don't know if he'll ever fully recover from this." Halt shook his head, bringing his steaming cup of coffee to his mouth and taking a large gulp of it.

Gilan was speechless for a moment, not knowing how to react to this.

"Well, I don't think this is a problem that will stop him from being an amazing Ranger. Maybe he feels alone right now, but that'll pass eventually. With enough time, surrounded by friends and a strict eye that's watching him, he'll be fine. Eventually." Gilan tried to sound convincing, but honestly he wasn't a hundred percent sure of it.

Halt shook his head the moment Gilan finished talking.

"No, it's not just that he feels alone. It's going deeper than that. I think he's depressed, severely. And it's not even weird to feel that way, knowing what he went through." Halt took a deep breath, preparing himself on the rough story.

"What do you mean?" Gilan asked worried.

"Do you remember when we thought it might be possible that Will has been raped?" Gilan turned white at this question.

"No, Halt. Please don't tell me that they…" He didn't finish the question, but Halt closed his eyes and nodded.

"Yes they did." They sat there in silence for a minute before Gilan spoke up.

"That's terrible. I can't believe something like that would happen to anyone I know, let alone Will…" Halt nodded in agreement, "Yes, neither did I. But that's not the only thing they punished him with."

And Halt proceeded to tell what had happened in Skandia. The whole story, also the parts Gilan already knew. The boy he helped, how he got punished for it by turning on the paddles and how he almost freezed to death and the cold that consumed him every second of the day. How that is the reason he became addicted to the warmweed and being able to get raped and whipped. How he didn't do anything about it after a while because he was too tired to do anything. How he felt ashamed for it, as if it was his fault.

Gilan looked at his now cold coffee in shock. "I can't believe this happened to him. No wonder he feels this way…" Gilan looked up at Halt with teary eyes, "Halt, is this my fault? For letting him ride alone with Cassandra and Horace?"

Halt had told him time and time again that it was _not_ his fault. It really wasn't. But he knew how Gilan kept feeling the guilt, but after hearing this story he knew the guilt consumed him. He blamed himself for it, just as Halt blamed himself for not being able to get to the ship on time.

"Gilan, listen to me. This is _not_ your fault. Please stop thinking that. It is not! Okay?" Gilan just nodded

They both sighed and looked at their cold coffee. They threw it away and looked at each other with renewed hope.

"Let's go find a way to help Will."


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: so... I know this took embarrassingly long to update, and I honestly feel really ashamed by it.**

 **But I had some personal problems, which involved me getting send away to this stupid clinic where we had no access to computers.**

 **I literally just got home like, yesterday. So this is the only thing I could come up with. I know it's reallyyyyy short, but I hope it's good enough for now...**

 **Reviews keep my spirits up and suggestions are very much appreciated!**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

Halt knocked on Will's bedroom door, listening if he heard Will say anything. When he heard a sigh and a tired 'come in', he opened the door slowly and walked towards Will. He saw that Will had dark circles underneath his eyes and that he was still laying in the same position he let him yesterday; looking at the ceiling with his arms folded around himself.

"Will, how are you feeling?" Halt asked carefully, noting that he wasn't looking at him.

"Fine." Was the short answer he gave Halt.

Will was no fool, he knew why Halt was here and what he wanted from him, and just because he wasn't looking at Halt directly didn't mean he didn't know how he looked: tired, worn out, concerned.

He just had no energy left to care about any of it. So he just looked at the ceiling, thinking about everything.

"Will, I think we need to talk…" Halt carefully said, hoping Will wouldn't act out.

"No, I don't need to talk." Was Will's short answer. Hoping Halt would leave him alone.

"No, Will. You _do_ need to talk. It can't go on like this! Don't you see what you've become? You've become a shadow of who you used to be. This," Halt walked over to Will and pulled his sleeves up, showing the scars and cuts, "isn't healthy. This can't go on like this."

Will angrily pulled his sleeves down, standing up to face Halt. "I do _not_ need your 'fixing'! I'm not some sort of project that when it fails you can just fix it. Excuse me for being unhappy and feeling like crap! You only have the slightest idea about what I've been through. You only know about what happened, not how I feel or how _it_ felt." Will angrily said to Halt, "you will never know…"

Halt bow his head, feeling desperate. Will was right, he didn't know anything, just what Will had told him. He looked at Will once again, hoping he would once again be the boy he used to be before all of this. To be the boy he loved like his son.

* * *

Halt and Gilan had been up all night, trying to figure out how to help Will. It hadn't been successful, but they thought they might have the big lines of how to help him now.

So Halt and Gilan made breakfast and coffee and they called Will, who came out of his room very timidly, almost afraid to face them. He looked at them with worry and fear, not knowing what to say.

Halt and Gilan both said good morning and served him his breakfast, which he didn't eat.

Halt frowned at that, Will had to eat everything.

"Keep eating, Will." Halt commanded him.

"I'm not that hungry..." Will answered, at which Halt looked at him with a stern expression.

"I don't care. You eat everything, because you're not leaving this table before that whole plate is empty." Halt took another sip of his coffee, looking Will straight in the eye with a look that said 'try me'.

Will frowned at that answer. He honestly wasn't hungry at all, how was he supposed to eat everything?

"But I-" Will began, before being interrupted by Halt.

"No. You'll eat it all."

Will looked at Halt and Gilan in utter confusion. How was he supposed to eat all of it?

He took another bite, but almost instantly he felt his stomach getting upset.

"No, Halt. I cannot eat anymore." Will pleaded, unsuccessfully.

"Everything", Halt said once again, emphasizing the word and looking Will straight in the eye. A look that made clear that there wasn't going to be a discussion about this anymore.

With an uneasy feeling in his stomach he took another bite. He slowly chewed and swallowed it, which went all right. So he took another bite. Unfortunately, that was a mistake. Will felt the bile rushing up and he felt the pain in his stomach. He hastily stood up, throwing the chair to the floor which startled Halt and Gilan, and ran to the toilet where he violently vomited.

He was throwing up for at least 10 minutes, until nothing came out anymore.

Halt looked at Gilan with a look of sadness and guilt. Perhaps he shouldn't have forced Will to eat everything.

Will had cleaned his mouth and brushed his teeth, so he could face Halt.

"I'm sorry…" he didn't dare look Halt in the eye, which didn't go unnoticed by Gilan and Halt.

Halt reassuringly put his hand on Will's shoulder. "It's okay. I should have believed you when you said you couldn't eat anymore," Halt gently squeezed Will's shoulder, causing him to look up. "But I hope you understand I did it for you. To get better, again." Will nodded, but looked away after a few second of looking Halt straight in the eye.

"You're excused." Halt said. Giving the boy one last smile before facing Gilan.

"It's a slow recovery, without much progress. But this actually is a huge step towards good physical and mental health. So for now, it's 2 steps forward, one step backward." He looked at Will's room. "I just hope it's enough..."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: So, as you all know, I haven't updated in SOOOOO long. And I want to sincerely apologize for that. Life's been busy, I forgot I had to log in with Google instead of an account, so yea, struggles...**

 **I wrote this just now, since I've gotten reviews that basically kick my ass about updating (right freaking now), so here's CHAPTER 10.**

 **And once again, I truly am sorry... I hope this chapter will restore the lost faith in me.**

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

"No! Please, please! Don't touch me, I'll do anything, just- just don't!" Will screamed, the cold sweat dripping down his face, down his back. He felt his shirt getting soaking wet, knowing this would bite him in the ass later on when the biting cold would freeze his soaked shirt to his skin.

They wouldn't listen to him. They kept touching him, trying to rip his clothes from his body. Tears were streaming down his face, blurring his vision. They wouldn't listen. Not to him.

Pleading eyes were looking for someone to help him, a brave soul who dared stand against these men, being a savior to him. Just like he'd been a savior to that boy.

But was he being brave or reckless? Helping that boy was what caused all of this, what brought him in the position he's in now. They won't help. Not any of these people will help him.

His vision began to blur when his shirt was ripped from his upper body. With large, fearful eyes he looked down at his, now naked, torso. Seeing the scars and wounds that were giving to him here in Skandia. Numbness began to kick in and he looked up at his tormentors.

All of them were grinning evilly at him, enjoying this kind of sick behavior. And Will knew, just by looking them in the eyes, they were never going to stop if there's no one to stop them.

After a while he just… stopped caring, stopped fighting them. He went into this trance-like numbness and thought about better times. He let them take off his pants without further ado.

* * *

Will woke up, drenched in sweat. His heart was racing in his chest and it was hard to breathe. He was hyperventilating.

He needed to leave, to go outside, to just go. Now.

He threw away his blanket and painfully removed his soaked shirt. He tried to control his breathing and simultaneously stormed out of the cabin he shared with Halt, and Gilan now.

He needed to leave, to go outside. To just be able to feel the cold night air on his bared torso.

He felt the panic struck, knowing very well how angry and worried Halt would be when he noticed Will was missing.

He shouldn't be doing this. This was so, so wrong.

Yet it felt so good.

So he started running. And he ran, and ran, and ran. Until his legs gave out from underneath him and his lungs were too painful to continue breathing. Should he stop? Stop breathing, stop caring? Should he stop living? Perhaps that was the best choice, the only choice.

So he stopped.

* * *

Halt jolted awake at the sound of a door slamming shut. He instantly was awake and out of bed, his knife in his hand. He silently opened his bedroom door and saw Gilan open his only seconds later. They looked at each other questionably, silently asking if the other knew something.

A small shrug from Gilan and a barely noticeable shake of the head from Halt.

They opened Will's door and noticed he was gone. His blankets were thrown into a corner of the room and a soaking wet shirt, probably drenched from Will's sweat, was lying on the floor as well. But Will was nowhere to be seen.

Halt stormed outside with Gilan on his heels, gazing around him, hoping to see a sign of where Will could possibly be.

But there was no sign of Will.

* * *

Well, that just felt oddly unnatural, Will decided. This was not the way to go. He remembered dreaming to become a knight one day, just like his father had been. This was, of course, before Halt helped him out of that dream by telling him the truth about his dad. But yet a small part of him couldn't let go of that burning urge to help others, to die while helping and protecting innocent civilians.

To just stop breathing would go entirely against his nature. He wanted to die while being a hero. Right now, he was a pathetic child acting out. But he couldn't help the way he felt.

He was ashamed, that much he could admit to himself. He was utterly and entirely ashamed of himself. The cutting, the unnecessary loss of blood and the childish behavior he was letting everyone see. This wasn't him, was it?

Perhaps this was him, now. Perhaps Skandia has changed him forever. Maybe he could never go back to the person he was before. But was he actually able to live with himself when he's like this? Wasn't it just better to release everyone from the whining, self-pitying child he has become?

This internal battle would torment him for the rest of his life, wouldn't it?

* * *

Finally, after searching for _hours,_ Halt saw a person lying on the grass. He ran over to him and sighed in relief that Will wasn't dead.

"Will! Thank God we found you! What have you done? Why did you run? You can't act out like this, Will! I deemed you more responsible than this." Will wasn't even looking up or acknowledging Halt's presence at all.

"Will? _Will!"_ Halt emphasized.

A small sigh from Will, "Perhaps it's better if I just become a farmer's boy." Halt looked at him in utter disbelief and readied himself to give Will an entire speech about how he was meant to be a Ranger, but the words Will spoke after this, left him completely and utterly speechless.

"Or perhaps it's better if I just kill myself."

* * *

 **Yea, I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I'll try to find more time to continue writing. My head's been fuzzy and basically doing nothingggggg**

 **Leave a review if you liked it, and I also would love to hear about what you think should come up in the next few chapters! I have to admit I keep getting stuck on this.. oops**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Well, I hope you'll like this chapter. I've tried to write it as soon as I could, but I'm just really, _really_ busy at the moment. So yea, here is chapter 11. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

The words echoed through his mind, over and over again. Consuming his day, his mind. Just those few words that would haunt him until everything was back to how it was.

But was that even possible? Could everything be as they were before? Halt didn't know the answer to that, he just knew he had to help Will no matter what. He was beating himself up for not knowing, for not even thinking about what could go through Will's mind.

He felt guilty for letting Will get this far that he was thinking about killing himself… Should he tell Crowley? Would that help him, or get him expelled from the Corps?

He couldn't take the risk, he couldn't lose Will.

He had to find a way to help Will, even if this meant to stop his Ranger duties until further notice. He'd write a letter to Crowley, being as vague as he could be without raising questions or suspicious.

He'd take care of Will. As long as it would take.

* * *

Will made a 'pro's and cons' list in his head about whether or not to kill himself. It _would_ make things so much easier. He wouldn't have to participate in life, obviously. He wouldn't have to think about the horrible things that happened to him. He wouldn't have to think about how those boys ripped his clothes from his body to _rape_ him, every time they pleased. The warmweed made things easier, but it didn't make him forget. All he wanted was to just forget it ever happened.

Obviously that wasn't going to happen. The scars on his body reminded him of the abuse he got, day after day after day. He couldn't forget about how they punished him. And neither could he forget about the rape. The scars on his soul made sure of that.

Would he ever be able to look at his body without disgust? To look in the mirror and not see the pathetic excuse of a human being he is now? Would he ever be able to love himself again? To be excited _about anything at all?_

* * *

Hesitantly, Halt knocked on Will's bedroom door. No answer.

"Will?" He tried knocking again, and again; no answer. Halt felt uncomfortable and nervous. Why can't the boy just answer?

"Will, I'm coming inside." Halt opened the door slowly, not wanting to startle Will.

"How are you feeling?" Halt asked him, concerned about his current state of mind.

Will sighed but didn't turn to him, he wouldn't sit up. He is just lying there.

"Do you know how weird a warmweed addiction is?" Will asked Halt, but wasn't expecting an answer so he continued.

"At that moment, it feels as if the warmweed is all you have, all you need. It is as if your life depends on it, which I think it does. At that moment…  
If I didn't have the warmweed, I would've died from hypothermia for sure. If I didn't have the warmweed, I would never have been able to withstand the kind of abuse I've endured there. Both physically and mentally.  
The physical abuse, like the whipping and starving to death, I can take that. Sort of. I know I'm not the strongest or smartest, but most of that sort of abuse I can take, for a while. The only thing I cared about while they were beating me up, was when my next dose of warmweed was going to be. That's what kept me going, dose to dose, day to day.

"The thing that really breaks you, though, is when they take away your masculinity. When they rip the clothes from your body and violently assault you. When they rape you. When they taunt you while they're… _busy._ " Will closed his eyes, trying not to let the tears fall.

"Not even the warmweed could help me through that. No, the physical abuse I can take. The mental abuse… it _broke_ me, Halt. I'm _broken._ You can do a lot of things, but you're not able to fix me. No one is. I'm beyond repair, and the only thing I want now, is to die. So Halt, please don't give me the speech you've prepared about how I have so much to live for, how much everyone would miss me and how much I would miss, because frankly, I don't fucking care. I don't care about anything or anyone. The only thing I care about now, is how much I want the pain to stop. Halt, please don't take this one thing away from me." He looked at Will with pleading eyes, tears nearly falling down.

"It just hurts so much. I don't want to be hurt anymore." Will whispered to himself, no longer able to keep the tears at bay. He felt them stream down his cheek, his chin, his neck. He looked up at Halt, who had the most pained expression Will had ever seen. The concern, pain and sympathy written all over his face.

* * *

What are you supposed to say, to think or to do in this situation? When a boy has gone through so much and is in so much pain as Will is. A boy, not even grown up yet. What are you supposed to do to help a child with suicidal thoughts? What is the plan?

Halt needed fresh air, or a moment to himself to think, to figure out what to do next. But he couldn't. Will was looking at him with those big eyes, pleading Halt to end his pain. He couldn't have a moment, he needed to react _now._ What he says in the next few moments will impact Will's life forever.

One wrong word, and he would lose him. Lose his son.

So yes, what are you supposed to do in this situation?

* * *

 **AN: Well, that was it. Please review if you liked this chapter, and you can also PM me if you have idea's about what you'd like to see happening. Suggestions are always welcome and I'm always curious about how other people think, to see how other people would write it. I'm just interested about what you guys like or don't like.**

 **Also I'm sorry for the small chapters and the little interactions Will and Halt are having, I just think that focusing on what's going through their head is more important than the conversations they're having at this moment. I think that knowing what's going on in their minds is what is needed right now. I don't know if you feel the same about that, but I strongly feel it is needed at this point.**

 **Let me know what you think!**


	12. Chapter 12

_**AN:**_ **Well, obviously it took me FOREVER to update, but I've got my reasons for them. If there's still anyone who is actually reading this: you must be relieved to finally read a (super short) update.**  


 **I must also confess that I'm superrrrrrr stuck on this story, as it took me soooooo hella long to even figure out what I wanted with this chapter.**

 **SO if anyone has an idea for my next chapter(s) PLEASE LET ME KNOW as it would be _highly appreciated_. I think you'd be happy as well, because perhaps if I have some ideas it won't take me 1938 months to write a chapter of 700 words *crying*.**

 **As always, I'm sorry for the long wait and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you thought about it in a review, or write a review to flame at me for the super super super long wait for this short, sad excuse of a chapter.**

 **If you have an idea for my next chapter, or chapters, you can also let me know about that in either a review or a PM.**

 **Thank you all for bearing with me.**

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

Halt was deep in thought, sitting at the kitchen table while his coffee was getting cold, he wondered what he could possibly do to help Will. Obviously, making him stop harming himself was step 1. He wasn't so sure what step 2 would be, but that's alright since he'd take it one step at a time.

He softly opened Will's door to see he was asleep, which wasn't that weird since it's in the middle of the night. He stayed there a few minutes to look at Will. He looked so peaceful when he's asleep. He hasn't seen Will look so innocent or peaceful since before Skandia. He walked into his room and took Will's knives away, since he was pretty certain that those are the things he's using to cut himself with. He stood still, thinking about whether or not to also take his arrow's with him and he decided that yes, he would take them also. It would certainly be a setback on Will's training, but his health was more important than his training.

After he took all of Will's sharp things away, he took one last look at the sleeping boy and made sure to remember how he looked. This image of him proved to Halt that Will could be the boy he used to be, again.

* * *

The moment he woke up, Will felt as if something has changed. He took a look around his bedroom and immediately saw what exactly has changed: Halt has taken all of his gear away from him.

Confused he changed into normal clothing and walked into the kitchen. Halt was sitting there as well, sipping his coffee. Will sat down opposite of Halt and gave him a questionable look.

"Why'd you take my weapons from me, Halt?" Halt took another sip of his freshly brewed coffee before answering,

"I don't want you to harm yourself. It's not healthy, Will. You know that and so do I. So I've decided that you will no longer be allowed with sharp objects by yourself. Or at all, for that matter. We will do everything we can to get you back to your mental and physically healthy state you were in before Skandia happened."

Thunder was seen on Will's face and his answer had an angry undertone. But Halt remained his calm and cool self.

"Before Skandia happened? Before I was whipped, beaten, abused, underfed, undercooled and got raped, you mean?! How do you expect me to become my old self again when the only thing that made me feel slightly like myself was seeing the blood rise from my wounds, Halt?"

Halt took a deep breath, but before he could answer Will was talking again.

"I don't expect _you_ to understand, but the least you can do is stop pretending like I have some sort of cold you can fix by keeping me inside."

With that, Will was done talking, but Halt wasn't.

"Will, I'm not pretending you have a cold or saying that what you've been through hasn't been horrifying. I care for you and I just want to help you feel better, don't you understand that?" Halt nearly pleaded Will.

The look on Will's face softened and he timidly looked up at Halt and nodded his head, feeling the nausea rise from the smell of coffee and food.

Halt stood up to get the food and another cup of coffee, and put his hand on Will and reassuringly smiled at him, knowing he'd get better soon.

Halt offered Will a cup of coffee as well, but not wanting to upset his stomach he decided against coffee, which got him a strange look from Halt.

Will played with his food for the next couple of minutes, not feeling that hungry at all. Gilan walked into the kitchen as well and immediately looked up to Halt, his gaze asking the silent question. Halt nodded ever so slight and Gilan felt relieve wash over him.

Halt was busy with step 1 for Will's recovery.


End file.
